Whispers of Uncertainty
by elohimdancer319
Summary: Previously Alcohol and Cigarettes After a night of drunken pleasure Abby and Luka realize how they feel about each other. Luby.
1. Prologue

Alcohol and Cigarettes

_Disclaimer: I don't own any of the characters in this story or ER. NBC does. Not that I don't wish I did…_

_A/N: Takes place before "Kisangani", after "Hindsight." Somewhat AU. _

****

**Prologue**

He opened his eyes. Blinked once, twice. _Shit._ He'd forgotten to drink water after that half a bottle of vodka and was now paying for it. He had been a little preoccupied, though. Rolling over; he saw that the reason was laying with her back to him. Strange- he was sure he'd only paid her for a few hours. A shrill ring pierced the fogginess of his brain. The phone. He winced, glancing over at the woman in his bed, before answering.

"Hello?"

"Luka. Thank God. This is Carter. Listen, I need you down here. We're getting slammed. We're already down two doctors and a nurse."

"Carter, I- " He started.

"I know it's your day off." Carter interrupted. "I'm sorry, really I am, but we need the help. Please." He supposed it was as close to begging as he'd ever hear John Carter get.

"Fine. I'm on my way." He replied with a sigh. The clock read 7:48 am as he hung up. He shrugged off the sheet and walked to the bathroom; his bare feet making little sound against the wood floor. A few aspirins and a shower later, he was ready for work.

"Hey." He said to the woman, shrugging on his suit jacket. "You need to leave; I have to go into work." He gently shook her shoulder and she began to stir. He caught a glimpse of her face as she turned over. Sleepy brown eyes met startled green ones. It was her.


	2. Chapter 1

_A/N: Sorry, I do apologize for these chapters being so short. This was just a little idea I had. The entire story isn't very long, but I hope you like it anyway!_

_Also, I just want to thank all my reviewers: xEllax, lubyforeverx711, MauraFan228, Andie, and Bee. Big thanks to xxCarbyxx for all her help!_

**Chapter One**

"Abby? What are you doing here?" She looked as confused as he did. She sat up, grabbing her head with one head and clutching the sheet to her chest with the other.

"Umm… that's a very good question." She attempted to remember the events of last night through the pounding in her head. Little pieces floated back to her. "Carter and I… had a fight last night." She closed her eyes briefly. Opening them again she nodded. "You and I ran into each other at that bar down the street."

"Makes sense from what I can recall. I guess it's pretty clear what happened next." He finished for her, looking at the mess of scattered clothes and tangled bed sheets.

"Yeah. Don't you have to go?"

"Yes, I have to jog. They need me down at the hospital."

"Sure they don't need more help?"

"You know County, they'll call you if they do. They _love_ interrupting our lives." He said with a chuckle.

"That they do." There was an awkward pause. "I have my key still, go ahead and I'll lock up."

"Alright." He gave her a look she couldn't quite decipher. "Thanks." One last glance and he was gone.

She sat for a while, flashes of the previous night's activities bringing color to her cheeks. The little she could remember, after the bar, was pretty spectacular. Then she thought about _him_. She tried not to compare the two men- Luka and Carter- but, frankly, Carter sucked in bed . It had always been like that. She and Luka had the chemistry, the mind- blowing sex, and poor communication. It was the complete opposite with Carter. Whoever said, "Friendship is the best basis for a relationship" was terribly mistaken. God…

"What the hell am I going to do?" She whispered to herself. Everything was such a mess. The one thing she needed to do was the one thing she was afraid to do. She was so tired of it all.

_"Are you going to run from your problems your entire life, Abby?"_

_"I don't run from my problems!" She replied incredulously._

_"No, you'd just rather drown them."_

_"That's not fair."_

_"Isn't it? I have a fucking drunk for a girlfriend." He shouted. He rubbed a hand over his face, composing himself. "Just… let me help you."_

_"Has it ever crossed your mind that maybe I don't _want _your help? That maybe I _like _being an alcoholic?"_

_"You want to be this way?" It was more of a statement than a question. "You like stumbling out of bars in the middle of the night on the arm of some guy you've just met?" _

_"I've haven't slept with anyone else since we've been together."_

_"That you can remember." She looked him, not believing the words that were coming out of his mouth._

_"You know what Carter, fuck you. I'm leaving. I really don't need this right now."_

Yeah, they communicated really well. Things were falling apart, that was glaringly obvious. If Carter ever found out about Luka- there would be hell to pay. She cradled her aching head in her hands, holding back tears. The extreme irony of her life- she lived with a man she'd come to hate, and slept with a man she considered a friend. Both were most likely ruined. _Wonderful, I've done it again._


	3. Chapter 2

**Chapter Two**

He placed his chart in the rack, taking a breather from the hectic pace of the ER. His mind immediately went to Abby.

He missed her, he really did. Thought about her a great deal in the last two years. He still watched out for her; maybe more so than when they were dating. He told Abby he wanted her to be happy, and he did. He just wished _he_ could make her happy.

He had been afraid many times in his life; found himself in a red rage, too. But that night, when the ambulance had brought her in after the attack, he'd felt both. The only way he could get rid of those feelings was to rearrange the bastard's face. It had felt so good. Having her under the same roof and not being able to touch her had been torture, though.

He tried to be just her friend; that, at least, he thought he could accomplish. Watching her with Carter had been hard. It had forced him to push all his feelings for Abby to the back of his head. It was the only way he could keep them from driving him insane. He concentrated on being her friend. It had worked, except for that one drunken night last Christmas... and again yesterday. He was finding it nearly impossible to keep his heart uninvolved after last night. The sight of her on his bed-

"Dr. Kovac." Haleh said, interrupting his thoughts.

"Yes?" He turned. Haleh shoved a chart at him.

"Your LOL in three is coughing up blood."

"Damn." He looked through her chart, shaking his head. "Are her labs back yet?"

"How should I know? Look on the chart." She suggested, walking away. He flipped a page on the chart. Things weren't looking very good for his patient. He went looking for her husband.

Finally it was the end of his shift. He was handing off to Kerry when she walked in for the night shift. Carter tried to pull her aside, but she wouldn't have any of it. Giving him a scathing look, she tore her arm from his grasp and left him standing there.

"What about the Mrs. Heyes in exam three, Luka?" He stared at the board, trying to recall the case. He picked up the marker and put "transport" down.

"Deceased. I must've forgotten to update the board. It's quiet now, but earlier..." Kerry nodded in understanding.

"It's the nature of the beast." He looked at her confused.

"Beast?"

"It's just a saying." Kerry said with a small smile.

"Ah." He was still not sure what it meant, but his mind was moving on to other things. Like getting home. "Well, that's everything. Have a good night, Kerry."

"Thanks. You too."

There wasn't a sound as he opened the door to his painfully empty apartment. Not that he expected there to be. Just him. Maybe a beer to keep him company. No women tonight. Couldn't bring himself to even think of sleeping with anyone else. And in that moment, sitting on his couch, he felt utterly alone. All thanks to her.

x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x

He saved a boy today. Lost a pregnant woman and her baby in the same breath. It didn't add or detract anything from his life, didn't matter to him. It took him a minute to realize why. "In the absence of love, there is nothing worth fighting for." Nothing mattered to him, except for her.

A week had come and gone since his drunken rendezvous with Abby. A week of staying clean. A week without her. Fast living was the only way he had survived these past few years, the only way he could forget how she made him feel. The women, the drinking, it was only a means to fill the void she had left. That one night together reminded him of how he used to be. How he should be. It was more than sex, that had almost nothing to do with it. Rather, it was the feelings she had awakened in him, ones he thought had been buried. The more time that went by, the harder it was for him to ignore them. The thoughts circled round and round in his mind, refusing to be quieted.

His shift had been over for hours and he had just spent the time wandering the streets of Chicago, lost in his thoughts. It was a beautiful city, couldn't compare to Croatia, but he loved it all the same. Because of her. As he roamed the streets of the city, he found himself in front of Abby's apartment building. He didn't even realize what he was doing until he found himself heading up the stairs. Before he knew it, he was in front of her door, knocking.

She opened it, revealing a dark apartment inside. She held a cigarette in one hand, looking surprised to see him.

"Luka."


	4. Chapter 3

**Chapter Three**

It was over- finally over. She was done with Carter's self righteousness, his supposed perfection. Most of all, she was tired of him trying to twist her into what he thought she should be.

It had been the hardest week she'd had to endure for a while. Keeping a secret from Carter hadn't been as difficult as she thought. He was still holding a grudge from the last fight; so they barely spoke. No, rather it had been the few times she had seen Luka. They ran into each other in the hall, worked a patient or a trauma together. He would meet her eyes for a second and then both would look away. It was almost as though they had never been friends. Never been lovers. Never anything more than awkwardly professional- if there was such a thing. But there was a warmth in his eyes when he looked at her that betrayed his feelings. There was a slight shake in her hands when he was close by.

"_You know, he still watches you when you aren't looking, Abby." Carter started, as they drove away from the hospital. "I think he's still in love with you. It's pathetic, really." He chuckled. _

"_Who?"_ _She asked, barely listening._

"_Luka." He said, as though stating the obvious. She feigned indifference._

"_So?"_

"_So? He's your ex- boyfriend; don't you think that's a little weird? It's been, what, two years?"_

"_Year and a half, actually." She said softly. Carter looked over at her, shocked._

"_Are you counting now?" She rolled her eyes._

"_Just because I actually know how long it's been doesn't mean I'm pining away for him." She ignored the voice in her head that told her she still wanted him, that she still missed him. "You were so wrapped up with Susan Lewis- I'm surprised you even know when we broke up. And Carter?"_

"_What." He snapped._

"_Green really isn't your color, Carter." She smiled sweetly._

_She got out of the car and made her way to the stairwell. She heard Carter slam the car door. It was funny how they managed to jump straight from work to arguing. A bit like skipping from one battle to another, really. _

"_I'm not jealous! What do I have to be jealous about? I have you, Luka doesn't." She stared at him, mouth open._

"_Tell me you didn't just say that! I'm not some damn trophy." He opened the door; she could see his jaw was clenched._

"_Of course not, more like a consolation prize." She slapped him as he came in behind her. "What did you do that for?" Carter yelled at her. She threw her stuff down onto the couch._

"_Do you even have to ask? I can't believe I left him for this. At least he was better in bed." She relished in dealing that blow to Carter's oversized ego._

"_But he didn't understand you. For all of his supposed wonderful traits, your brooding Croat can't even get that right. I wonder if it's because he's still mourning his wife. Maybe it's because all he cares about is screwing women, not actually building a relationship. Hmm?"_

"_He married her and he loved her- that counts for a hell of a lot more than all of your failed relationships."_

"_And I suppose you're some sort of expert on the matter? You're divorced, remember? Your mother was divorced, too, wasn't she?"_

"_This isn't about my mother. This is about us, what's left anyway." _

"_Giving up, again, Abby? Running away?" He taunted her. _

"_I'd have to be a masochist to stay with you. I'm never going to be good enough for you, am I? I'll always be an alcoholic, a smoker, and a nurse. I'll always have the bipolar family and the ex- husband. I'm done." She finished quietly._

"_Does it always have to be about you?"_

"_No. You're the one who's always made it about me and my problems. Just leave and for once can you just go without making a fuss." That shut him up. He picked up his coat and walked out the door. With a sigh, she leaned against the door. _

She took her first real breath in three months. That's how long she'd been drinking, how long they'd been fighting, how long Richard had been remarried. He was happy. She was happy for him.

A part of her, however, told her she should be where he is. He had a house, a kid, a wife, and an M.D. She, on the other hand, still had a one- room apartment, a "terminated pregnancy" to her credit, and a friend- turned- boyfriend. To top it all off, she was a nurse; and let's not forget that she had stopped med school a year from finishing. And so she started drinking? Why? To prove that she could do _something_ right? No. Maybe to be able to say that her life was a complete failure. She wasn't really sure.

It didn't matter now, really. Didn't matter what had brought her to this point. Just mattered that she _was_ here. Standing outside of a liquor store with a bottle of vodka in hand. No she didn't drink to forget. Not at all. She was celebrating. Alone.

Her apartment was empty- as she expected it to be. She didn't miss Carter (actually, it was nice to be free of that particular milestone). Instead she missed someone else. Tall. Dark. And so she drank to him. To her brooding ex- boyfriend. To her faithful protector. To her workplace friend and her passionate one- night stand. To the one person she could say she loved almost as much as alcohol. For Carter she lit a cigarette, fags they called them in England. She really needed to quit.

It was later much later. A quarter of the vodka was gone. It wasn't a big bottle, but still- she was pleasantly tipsy. Not a light was on. The moon bathed the place in an ethereal glow. She lit another cigarette, last one for the night. She almost dropped the damn thing when a knock at the door startled her. She opened it. Light from outside spilled into the room and silhouetting the man standing there. It was him.

"Luka."

"Hey." He explained his presence before she could ask. "My shift just finished. I was thinking about you... so I thought I'd come and see how you are." She nodded, turning a lamp on.

"Come in, please." She sat back down on the couch and he followed. "Would you like something to drink?" She offered, holding up a shot of vodka. He shook his head.

"Trying to quit, actually." She shrugged.

"Your loss." She winked at him and drank it down. He watched her, his expression turning serious.

"Listen, Abby, I came here to talk about the other night. Now that I'm here, I don't really think that's such a good idea." He brushed her cheek with his knuckles. His voice dropped to a whisper. "I will say this, though, because I still care about you. He told me… about your drinking. I'm not going to tell you what to do. You're a big girl. But this isn't what you want your life to be, is it? You deserve more, Abby, so much more."

"Maybe this is my lot in life. I'm not a happy person, Luka. I had a shitty childhood and a life full of regret and failure." In spite of the alcohol, she felt clear- headed. She saw him, then, finally understood the look in his eyes. Loneliness. Heartbreak. He was her fallen hero. "But I'm tired of things being about me, Luka. I'm not fine, I've got issues. We've established that. I want to know about you. Are you okay?" He laughed, but it was hollow and mirthless.

"No, I'm not. Not sure I've ever been fine since… well, since they died. Definitely not since I lost you. But it's more than that. More complicated than that." He stared down at his hands, pain etched on his face. "I don't know who I am anymore. I've lost myself in a world of drinking and women." He looked up at her with sad, troubled eyes. "I can't feel anything, Abby." It was then that she took him into her arms and, like in that hotel room so many months ago, he kissed her.

_A/N: Just so I don't get pelted for the contradiction in these last two chapters. When Luka said "a week without her," he was referring to not being with her in a romantic sense, or even as just friends. Just thought I'd clear that up. This is the end (unless you can convince me to go on). Thank you all for your encouragement and comments and I'm sorry it was so short._


	5. Chapter 4

_A/N: Can't remember if Carter was an attending in S9. Was he? If he wasn't, sorry for the mistake. This chapter is a little slow, not so much a filler as setting the scene._

**Chapter Four**

He found her in the kitchen. There were a dozen empty alcohol bottles on the counter and it smelled like something was burning.

"Morning." She jumped a little at the sound of his voice.

"Hey, you're awake. I was just making breakfast." She turned around, flinging the spatula and knocking the frying pan onto the floor. "Damn. There goes breakfast." He laughed and helped her clean up the mess.

"It smelled a little overcooked anyway." He said, attempting to not hurt her feelings.

"It's okay, I know it was burnt." She admitted. "Maybe I should leave the cooking to you." A mischievous smile lit up her face. He couldn't help but to kiss her. All she could think about was how wonderful he smelled and how much she had missed kissing him. He pulled back.

"Maybe you should." He whispered into her ear, making her shiver with the huskiness of his voice. Another quick kiss and he got up, gathering stuff from around the kitchen for another try at breakfast. She watched him, smiling.

They hadn't slept together last night. Part of it was because she had been drinking. He was a good guy and, underneath all his problems, a much better person than she. The other reason? What they had shared last night was almost too sweet, too profound, to taint with wanton sex. He turned around and, catching her staring at him, grinned.

"Pancakes are up." They sat down to eat. She could feel him glancing up at her every few seconds. Not quite the way she had been studying at him. Swallowing the last bite, she looked up at him.

"Okay. What is it?" He put an innocent face on.

"What is what?"

"You keep looking at me, like you want to ask me something." He was picking at what was left of a pancake.

"It's nothing important. I was just wondering about the bottles." He finally said, pointing in the direction of the sink. She was a little relieved, thinking he was going to say something _serious_.

"Oh. I just poured them out." _He is so cute when he's confused, _she thought, smiling. "I'm quitting, I guess." She was going cold turkey. She didn't even feel like analyzing why she wanted to quit all of sudden. She had woken up sick with herself. She was tired of being labelled a drunk. She wasn't quitting because she had a new man in her life, right?

"You're quitting, just like that. No AA meetings. Nothing?"

"I thought this is what you wanted? You told me last night you were worried about me." He sighed, running a hand through his dark hair.

"Yes. That is what I said. If you're sure this is the way you want to do it, then I'm behind you a hundred percent."

"Thank you." There was something she couldn't quit decipher in his eyes. Instead of trying to figure it out, she stood up and walked silently to the bedroom. Thirty minutes later, she left the room dressed for work.

"Heading out?" He asked from behind the sink. He was doing dishes.

"Yeah. I've got work this morning."

"I'll be in at about nine. Do you want me to just lock the door?" She nodded, shrugging a coat on.

"There's a spare key on the dresser in my room. Just slip it into my locker when you come on tonight." She grabbed her purse and opened the door. "See you later." What an awkward way to leave such an intimate night, she thought as she closed the door.

She walked into the ER, suddenly stopping as she saw Carter. She'd forgotten he was on today. She rushed past the admin desk to the lounge. He entered as she was putting her things away.

"Hey." She looked at him over her shoulder. He wasn't really looking at her. He was looking past her, through her.

"Hey." She closed her locker, turning around and resting her weight against it.

"Listen, I just wanted to apologize for last night. A lot of what I said was harsh and uncalled for."

"I wasn't very nice, either." There was a pause. Neither really knew what to say.

"Do you think we can go back to being friends?" He asked, finally breaking the silence.

"I don't know, Carter." She answered truthfully. "We've got a lot of history. Maybe too much?" He nodded in understanding.

"We should have left it alone." Through the vagueness of his words, she understood what he was saying.

"Too late for that now, I suppose." They fell silent again. She wanted to tell him about Luka, to clear her conscience of that one sin against him, but she couldn't get the words out. It was over now; maybe she should just leave it at that. Carter opened his mouth to say something.

"Trauma coming in." Malik yelled before Carter could utter a word. They shared relieved smiles and left to assist.

By the time nine o'clock rolled around, she was exhausted. Another twelve- hour shift done. She was signing out when he walked in. He smiled at her, brushed her hand as he passed by. She listened in, taking longer than needed at the desk, while Carter handed off to Luka. When they were done, he came over.

"I put the key in your locker." He said, leaning on the desk.

"Thanks. I'll get it when I leave." He had that grin on his face, the one she could never resist smiling back to. The earlier awkwardness was banished with a glance. "I'm headed home now. When's your next day off?"

"Wednesday. You?"

"Thursday." She replied, with a frown. He shrugged.

"We'll figure it out. Have a good night."

"I'll try."

Carter stood outside the hospital. "You slept with him, didn't you?" It wasn't so much an accusation as a weary statement. She sighed, not in the mood for an argument.

"I was drunk, Carter, so was he. And no, that's not why I broke up with you." He looked down at his feet.

"Were you ever going to tell me?" She winced at the hurt she heard in his voice.

"I figured I'd let sleeping dogs lie. We're not together anymore, does it really matter?"

"No. I guess it doesn't." He walked away, shoulders slouched. She refused to think about him on the way home. She wouldn't let him get to her. So instead she shut the world out, letting her eyes close in sleep.


	6. Chapter 5

**Chapter Five**

It wasn't until April that a sense of despair pervaded her again. Spring had finally reached the Windy City, but its beauty was lost on her. Sanity, sobriety- they were both slipping from her grasp.

It wasn't Luka. Things with him were wonderful; he was wonderful. They'd been quite content for last month or so. Carter was, amazingly, behaving himself; once his original feelings of betrayal had faded.

Work was hectic as always. Some days more than others; like today for example. She felt like she couldn't catch her breathe; every time she turned around there was another patient, another doctor, or a fellow nurse wanting her attention. Working triage earlier had put her in a foul mood that not even Luka could shake.

But that wasn't it, not by a long shot. There was also this heaviness that settled in the pit of her stomach, it was something she couldn't explain and didn't understand. Her bad temper didn't define it, but merely compounded what she already felt.

"Abby, patient in two is calling for you." Malik said, walking past her.

"Okay, thanks."

"Can you take over triage for me, Abby?" Connie asked. "I'm due for a break."

"So was I, an hour ago."

"Please?" Connie begged. Abby rolled her eyes.

"I have to check in my patient in two, can you wait five minutes?"

"Actually…"

"Five minutes." She repeated, heading to exam two. "So what seems to be the problem?" The words had barely left her mouth when the woman vomited all over her.

"Sorry." Ms. Anderson mumbled before passing out.

"Perfect." Picking up a nearby phone, she called for housekeeping. She checked her vitals. The woman's blood pressure was alarming. "Get Dr. Lewis." She ordered one of the nurses. Susan ran in a minute later.

"What's the matter?"

"She threw up, and then passed out. Her BP's dropped."

"Damn." The heart monitors started blipping in warning.

"She's in V-tach." Thirty minutes later Ms. Anderson was dead. She relieved Connie after changing into a clean pair of scrubs.

"Connie, I'm ready to take over now." Connie shot out of the chair.

"Thanks so much, Abby." She rushed off.

"Sure, no problem." She sat there for two hours. Another couple hours of juggling 40 patients and her shift was mercifully over. Luka's shift wasn't over until 12, so she left without him.

Sitting on the couch a short while later, she had the strongest urge for a drink. Tired and depressed, she gave in. Luka always kept a few beers and a stash of vodka in one of the kitchen cabinets. He thought she didn't know about it. She only wanted one beer, just to help her unwind.

The bottle made a soft _pop_ as she opened. She savored the first taste, fully enjoying it. Already she could feel the alcohol relaxing her body. As much as she wanted to, it didn't stop that night at one. It didn't stop at two or even five. Throw in a few shots of vodka, and by the time Luka was home, she was completely trashed. He didn't say a word, just picked up the empty beers and put away the rest.

"No, don't take it away! We were just getting reacquainted." She started to giggle, but one look from Luka silenced her.

"I think you've had quite enough. I'm going to bed, are you coming?" He asked firmly.

"You aren't going to yell at me?" He looked down at her, his eyes showing complete fatigue.

"No, I'm not. I'm tired; it's been a long day. It's not my idea of fun to come home and find my girlfriend pissing drunk, especially when she's being trying to quit drinking." He held out a hand to her. "Are you coming or not?" She looked up at him, taking his hand.

He held her closer than normal that night. While she was sleeping, he traced her hairline, savoring the soft skin beneath his fingers. She was beautiful. He swept back the hair from her neck, kissing her there. He didn't see drunk or divorced or nurse. He just saw Abby- beautiful, strong Abby.

"Why do you torture yourself like this, Abby? Am I still not enough for you? Can't I make you happy? Please, just let me help you. I love you." He whispered in Croatian. Abby, barely awake, heard _Volim_ _te_. She knew what it meant and it scared her.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Sleep evaded him that night; thoughts tormented and taunted him. He wanted to be there for Abby, wanted to shoulder her pain. He couldn't, and that realization nearly killed him. Wasn't much of a hero after all. His own problems pulled at him, tearing holes in his fragile happiness. Unbeknownst to Abby, the desire- the same one she had fought and lost tonight- was one that beckoned to him. Her low spirits affected him in ways he hadn't even known was possible. It had been a week; a week of unspoken words, of silent suffering for them both.

Happiness was a façade for them. A mere mask that hid what lay beneath- despair, sorrow, and their ultimate demise.

He thought somehow, after that first night, they might make it. He had foolishly believed they would be okay. But the Fates were conspiring against them and now he doubted that they would ever truly be free. Their respective pasts would always catch up to them, always. Life would never make sense. Only one thing was imminent. Death. He'd escaped its clutches so far; and when he was with Abby he felt as though he could escape it forever. She gave him hope, joy, and life. But there were times, like tonight, when he stepped out of their little world and was again confronted with their reality. Even together, things weren't perfect.

"Luka?" She broke into his thoughts. "What are you doing awake?" It must've been about 2 a.m. and she was beginning to sound somewhat sober.

"Just couldn't sleep." A hand on his chest. An arm around her, resting against her back. Lips meeting. It wasn't long before their clothes were abandoned. The passion was there, the undeclared love. Then, just as before, while she slept he lay there thinking.

They needed each other, desperately. Alone life had chewed them up and spit them out again. Maybe together they could win at life. And then he finally drifted off.


	7. Chapter 6

**Chapter Six**

Abby was in bed the next morning. She was tired of hangovers. She was tired of losing control after a bad day. She was tired of feeling worthless. Most of all she was tired of being an alcoholic.

Lying there, she made a decision; she needed help. She'd tried to do it on her own; her headache testified to how well that had worked. She didn't want a repeat of last night. The scene with Luka replayed in her mind. The startling thing was not that he wasn't disappointed in her. No, his expression had been a far cry from Carter's contemptuous glares. Rather, looking past the fatigue, she'd caught a glimpse of something entirely different in his eyes. He loved her, and that's why she was doing this- because she loved him in return. She had to protect him from herself- just for a little while. It would kill her, but it was the only way.

If she wanted to get sober and _stay_ sober, she would need to start at the beginning again- with the AA program. She despised AA meetings; they were boring and crammed full of religion. They worked, though, and that's what mattered.

She found him in the shower. They had the day off together, for once. His clothes lay on the floor in a heap. Hers joined his. No words were spoken, just the sound of water hitting skin and tile. Her lips moved over his urgently as she simultaneously stepped closer. Her hands slid up his chest and around his neck. His mouth travelled lower, to her neck, sending shivers through her body. Her fingers moved through his wet hair as his arms tightened around her waist. It was perfect; he was perfect. She didn't look at him as she began to dress.

"I have to go now." She informed him so quietly he almost didn't hear her.

"I thought you had the day off?" A hand rubbed her shoulder.

"I have an AA meeting." Her eyes finally found his. "It worked last time." She explained self- consciously. He nodded. They could offer her the help he seemed incapable of giving.

"It's better than trying to do it on your own."

"It was unrealistic to think I could."

"Not unrealistic, just more difficult." He smiled at her, she returned smiled back but it was tainted with sadness.

"What's wrong?" He asked, stroking her cheek with a thumb. She placed her smaller hand over his, struggling to keep the tears out of her eyes. Then, kissing his fingers, she held his hand between hers.

"That's not all." She looked down at their clasped hands. He waited for her to speak. "I need to focus on getting well, on being happy with myself and by myself." She met his eyes. "I want to be with you, I really do, but I just can't handle a relationship right now."

"You need me to give you space."

"You understand why, don't you?"

"Yeah." With that single word his heart broke. He squeezed her hand. "I understand." The world was winning, tearing him apart in the process.

"I just need a friend right now, not a boyfriend. If I can get this right, get my life sorted- I'll be ready… for more."

"It's okay. I can handle it." He said, enclosing her in his arms. She always felt safe when he held her. "Take all the time you need; I'll be waiting." He kissed the top of her head tenderly. Friends yet again. God, when would they get past that? He wanted to be more than friends, so much more.

She pulled away and he reluctantly let go of her. It was for the best, he told himself.

"Thank you." She whispered, leaving a soft kiss on his cheek.

After she left, having already gathered her belongings, he sat down on the couch. He felt emotionally drained and, at the same time, overwhelmingly enraged. With a cry of frustration he slammed a fist against the coffee table.

Then he just sat there, for a long time, cradling his head in his hands. _It won't be that long,_ his mind reasoned. But Luka Kovac was far from being rational.

She was late. Spotting a chair towards the back, she made her way to it and sat down. She wasn't really listening to the speaker, wasn't even paying attention to the people around her. _It won't be forever,_ she thought. But it was an empty comfort. A tear slipped from the corner of her eye. She brushed it away with a trembling hand. She could handle being just friends, right?


	8. Chapter 7

**Chapter Seven**

Abby's life soon became a blur of work, time talking with her sponsor, and AA meetings. In a matter of weeks, she could already sense the change in herself. And so could Luka.

"You look different." He told her over coffee. They often met for lunch or coffee, both needing a way to stay involved in each other's lives.

"Different like how?" She smiled and it illuminated her entire face. She was so beautiful, radiant even.

"Better, happier."

"I am. I feel like I'm finally getting somewhere." He wished he could say the same. The booze at his house was still looking awfully tempting; especially when he was missing her.

"That's good. Sounds like things are going well." She nodded, taking a sip of her coffee.

"What about you?"

"Things are okay. I'm, uh, actually going away for a couple months."

"Really?" She was surprised and a little hurt. The thought of him being with him again was what kept her going with this program. She wanted, needed, to be better for herself- but it was for him as well.

"Yeah. I'm going to the Congo for two months." He needed to get away and do something to take his mind off her. Volunteering to go to Africa seemed like the perfect solution. "I'm leaving next week."

"That's really soon. It's 'Doctors Without Borders', right?" He nodded.

"They need help over there. It's dangerous, but I figured it can't be any worse than County." She looked at him, remembering his former life in Croatia.

"You've seen war before, though." She said, her face turning serious. "You have the kind of experience they need. I'm sure the last thing they want is another naïve American prick that hasn't a clue what he's doing."

"Like Carter?" She shook her head, trying not to laugh.

"That's not very nice, but mostly true. Maybe you should take him with you- he might actually learn something about the world outside his own head."

"He _is_ coming with me, actually." Abby's jaw dropped.

"You can't be serious."

"Oh, but I am." She shook her head in disbelief.

"Well, should be interesting." She let out a breath. "Try not to kill him then. I promise it's his ego about half the time." Luka chuckled.

"I'll do my best."

"Good. Don't want you to be in prison. How am I supposed to seduce you from there?" She winked. His heart nearly stopped. God, he loved her.

"I make no promises." He shrugged, trying to act nonchalant.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Abby saw him on his last shift before he left. He was putting his lab coat and stethoscope into his locker.

"So… you're leaving us tomorrow." She'd come to say goodbye.

"Yeah, I never thought I would say it, but I think I'm going to miss this place."

"Don't be such a wimp, it's only two months."

"I know." He reached out for hug. She willingly stepped into his embrace. It lasted less than a minute, but it communicated so much.

"Take care of yourself over there." She whispered into his ear.

"You too." He returned with a grin.

"I'm being serious."

"So am I."

"I want you back in one piece." He heard the fear and worry in her voice.

"Don't worry; I'll be back before you know it." He took her face in his hands and kissed her. "I'll see you soon." And he was gone. She stood there for a minute, a hand to her lips.

"Abby." Chuny called.

"Yeah?" She said, not turning around.

"Double trauma coming in." And life went on.

A/N: So they're still not together. Don't hate me! You won't have to wait to long. Just want to say thanks to everyone who reviewed the last couple of chapters: LubyForeverx711, LLF, Strizzy, MauraFan228, nixyboo, Bel- Vezer, and chocoholic. Huge thanks to Jenny and Ella!


	9. Chapter 8

**Chapter Eight**

It was early as Luka rested on his cot, swathed in a mosquito net. He'd dreamt about her again, like he did every night. It was the same dream.

_He and Abby lie in bed, talking softly. A baby starts crying in another room. He follows her as she pads down the hallway to a nursery. She picks up the baby, crooning as the baby quiets down. He just watches from the doorway with a smile on his face. _

"_You don't have to come every time." Abby says._

"_I know... I just like watching the two of you." She looks up at him, shaking her head as she sits in the rocking chair. She begins nursing, all the while talking to the child in her arms. Luka walks over and kisses first the baby and then her. _

The dream reminded him of what he's always longed for- a family. He wanted one with Abby. She didn't want children though; her own family was crazy enough she didn't want to deal with a bi- polar child. If she never changed her mind, he would find a way to deal with it.

He was working in the hospital later that day, doing what little he could. Some of them he could help, some he couldn't. Too many were already half dead. They were in the middle of a war where civilian casualties were nothing. The women were raped and the men tortured. The threat of being captured or killed was very real. It was so far beyond what he was used to, it was surreal. Somehow he managed to avoid processing it all and just do what he knew best. He helped people.

"Hey Luka, can you come here a minute?" Gillian, a nurse from Quebec, asked him in French.

"Yeah, what's the problem?" He made his way over to where she stood near a sickly woman and her two children.

"Will you examine her, please?" He nodded, and began an examination. It wasn't malaria or AIDS- but it would still kill her. He walked away with a sigh, making a futile attempt to wipe the sweat off his face. The humidity was suffocating, even after dark. He spotted Carter, talking to a patient through one of the nurses. He'd adjusted well, using his money as well as his abilities as a doctor to make a difference. Just the other day, Carter received a large box of medical supplies from County- some costing more than Luka's monthly salary back home.

They'd become friends in the last month and a half. Carter, in all of his bumbling American ways, was genuinely a nice guy. Something he'd never taken the time to see before.

Laughter filled the room that night at the bar. They'd all gathered there every night as a way to unwind. Alcohol flowed freely, and Luka drank more to relax than to forget. That much had changed. His problems seemed so very insignificant in comparison to those of the Congolese. It was all about perspective.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Life dragged on for Abby. Without Luka around, things fell into a monotonous pattern. She missed him terribly. She snuck a peek at her calendar. She'd been counting the days, one week left. She got the odd email from him, he'd phoned once too. It was nice because she hadn't expected anything.

She had been sober for two months now. Abby was proud of herself- it wasn't anything spectacular, but it boosted confidence in herself.

She double checked the calendar, something catching her attention. She pursed her lips, thinking. Her eyes widened suddenly in comprehension.

"Impossible." She mumbled to herself.

Barely paying attention to what she was doing, she grabbed her things and headed for work. On the El she ran into Susan.

"Hey Abby!" Susan greeted her cheerfully.

"You're a morning person, aren't you?" Abby asked, in quite the opposite mood.

"Most days, yes." Abby shook her head. "So any news from Luka?"

"I got an email from him yesterday. Things are going well over there. He's still planning on being back by the July tenth."

"Are you looking forward to having him back?"

"What kind of question is that? Of course I am." Susan smiled knowingly.

"You just want him back so you can ravish him and make gorgeous little Croatian babies." Abby laughed with Susan, the dates from earlier still fresh on her mind.

"I think we already have." Abby said nervously, mixed feelings evident in her voice. Susan gave her a stunned look.

"You're pregnant?" She asked.

"I'm not sure yet, but I'm late."

"How late?"

"Two months, almost three."

"Have you told Luka yet?" Abby shook her head. "Are you going to?"

"Depends on whether or not I keep it. There's no point in talking about something if I've already made up my mind."

"Abby, you can't do that to him. It's his baby- he's going to want to know about it." Susan said a little too loudly.

"Look, I don't even know if I'm pregnant yet." Abby whispered furiously.

"I'll do a pregnancy test if you want."

"That's probably a good idea." Abby said with a sigh, pushing her hair out of her eyes. Susan nodded.

"On one condition."

"What?" She asked hesitantly.

"You have to tell Luka if it's positive." Abby closed her eyes briefly. The train lurched to a stop.

"Fine." She agreed reluctantly. "Here's our stop." The two friends made their way off the subway.

The test was all Abby could think about the entire day. Susan insisted on waiting until Abby was done with her shift before giving her the results. Finally, she was ready to go home. She found Susan in the lounge.

"Are you going to tell me now?"

"I have the results right here." Susan said, patting her lab coat pocket. Abby, exasperated, gestured for her to hurry up. Susan handed her a piece of paper. Abby's hands shook as she took it. She let out a soft gasp as she read the paper. The words on the page swam before her eyes. She looked up and the room was spinning. The last thing she heard before she blacked out was Susan's voice yelling her name.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Abby woke up in a hospital bed.

"Hey honey, you feelin' any better?" Chuny asked as she walked over.

"What happened?"

"You passed out for a few minutes. Congratulations by the way." Abby fell back against the pillows, hand over her eyes.

"Susan told you?"

"Dr. Weaver wanted to know why you fainted. No one else knows but me, Dr. Lewis, and Dr. Weaver. Oh, and Jerry. He saw the lab report."

"Oh wonderful," Abby said sarcastically. "It won't be long before everyone knows." Chuny shrugged.

"Sorry Abby." She said with a grin, not really meaning it at all. "Think you can manage to get up now? We need the bed." Abby rolled her eyes.

"I'm going home. Is Susan still around?" Chuny shook her head.

"She left already. She had a date tonight or something."

"Alright then. Night Chuny."

"Night. Get some rest, eh?" Abby waved a hand at her and made an exit.

She was pregnant. The thought filled her with both dread and excitement. Luka would want to keep it. He loved kids, he was meant to have kids. A part of her, the maternal side perhaps, longed to experience that aspect of life. But then she thought about Maggie. She'd had one hell of a childhood. Her mother had been a handful on her own, she couldn't imagine having a child like that. There was a very small chance her children would be bi- polar. The question was if it was small enough for her to risk it.

It was a question that kept her awake that night, tracing circles on her stomach. She would wait for Luka, she could hold out that long.

_A/N: Hey guys- the end to the Luby separation is just around the corner, I swear! Hope you liked my little surprise. It was a surprise, right? Anyway, let me know what you think..._

_Thanks to everyone who reviewed: anonymous01, Strizzy, Bel-Vezer, x-xTwisted Nightmarex-x, and LubyForeverx711. And to Ella and Jenny as always for all thier help!_


	10. Chapter 9

**Chapter Nine **

Luka's plane was landing in an hour and she was still trying to escape the bathroom. The wonders of pregnancy. It didn't matter that it was nearing midnight; morning sickness was having its way with her. Finally the nausea subsided. She had to leave for the airport soon...

He was home finally home. The plane ride had been impossibly long and tiring. Even in a business class seat, he felt claustrophobic. It was 1:17 am. Luka was ready for a shower and his bed. He and Abby had agreed that he would take a cab home, so it was nothing short of a surprise to find her waiting for him at baggage claim.

She looked amazing, even at such a late hour. She smiled at him and he smiled back tiredly. He found his bag and walked over to her, wrapping her in a tight embrace.

"Welcome back. Can I take a bag for you?" He shook his head.

"I can manage, there are only two." They walked silently for a little bit before Abby spoke again, answering his unvoiced question.

"I know we agreed I wasn't going to pick you up, but I had the night shift. I slept all day and figured I might as well." She was lying, but he didn't need to know that. She'd taken the day off so she could spend some time with him, tell him her news.

The sweltering humidity of a Chicago summer hit them as they left the air conditioned airport. The temperatures stayed high, even at night, so it was a relief to climb back in the car. The ride home was full of tales from the Congo. As he told her of the horrors and the miracles he'd witnessed, she could sense how much they had affected him. She filled him in on news from County. Not much really. Eventually they reached his apartment. She turned the car off.

"Well, here you are." She looked over at him, not sure what to say next. He helped her out.

"Listen, I know it's late, but would you like to come up for some coffee?"

"You mean Turkish mud? No thanks." His face fell a little. "But I'd love some tea." She felt her heart melt as he smiled. They were soon laughing at one of Luka's stories.

"So he sat there in the mud, watching the ball fly to the other end of the field." He loved listening to her laugh.

"That's typical Carter for you. So he's staying over there?" Luka nodded.

"He met a woman there, Kem. They hooked up a few weeks ago. She's starting an AIDS program over there and he's helping her out financially."

"Who would've thought? Carter falling in love with Africa and _in_ Africa." She shook her head. "Amazing." She looked down at her hands, nervously twiddling her thumbs. How in the world was she going to do this?

"It's almost three; I should let you go home." He stood up, and then offered her a hand and helped her up. They stayed there for a moment, her hands on his chest. She looked up and their eyes met.

"Luka." As she spoke his name, he leaned down, capturing her lips with his ever so softly. His hands took hold of her hips, bringing her even closer to him. Eventually she pulled back, resting her cheek against his shoulder.

She stood there, just enjoying the feel of his arms around her. God, it was good to have him home again. Something was still off; she needed to fix it… now. Abby sighed, leaning back to look up at him.

"This 'friends' thing is getting very old, very fast. I want you back in my life as more than just a friend, Luka." He chuckled.

"You have no idea how happy I am to hear you say that, but… are you ready for that yet?" He asked, rubbing her arm. She was touched by his concern.

"I think I can handle a relationship again, and besides that- I've really missed you."

"You're sure?" She laughed.

"I'm beginning to doubt you want me back at all. Did you find someone in Africa like Carter did?" She teased. He growled playfully then kissed her.

"You're the only one for me, Abby." She reached up to brush a dark lock of hair out of his eyes.

"You don't have to worry about me, Luka. Alcohol doesn't have much of a hold on me these days." She dropped her hand, almost shyly. "You know, the whole 'don't drink while you're pregnant' thing." He almost couldn't believe his ears; then he remembered his dream.

"Pregnant." He clarified. She nodded.

"Yeah." He blinked slowly, letting the words sink in. He wanted so much to kiss her and celebrate, but he didn't know how Abby felt. He took her hands in his own.

"Do you want to…?"

"Keep it?" She finished for him. "Yes. I do. I wasn't sure… at first. You know, scarring childhood memories… with Maggie. And then the way things were with Richard." She shook her head as if to chase away bad memories. "But I realize that things would be different this time around- because I'm with you. I want to have this baby with you, Luka. I want to do this." She stared down at their hands, ending her impassioned speech with a whispered fear. "I just hope I'll do this child right."

"You'll be a great mom, Abby." He said, confidently. "I know you will." He wrapped her in his arms again, kissing her temple. "We can do this… together."

Some time after they'd gone to bed, Abby was still wide awake. The insomnia and morning sickness were apart of the same deal. Mercifully, the latter was kept at bay for the moment. She had no way to escape even if she needed to. Luka's arms were wrapped around her much the same way they were earlier; with one small exception. One large hand was splayed across her abdomen, over their baby. A small smile found its way to her lips.

The whole thing felt so… surreal. Up until she'd said it, Abby hadn't a clue what she was going do about the baby- or what she was going to say to Luka. Afterwards though, she knew that's what she wanted. A baby with him. As for being together again- the words had simply fallen out of her mouth, almost without her help. She snuggled closer to him, content. _This is what I want._

_A/N: Yay!! They're back together! This one of my favorite chapter, I hope you like it as much as I do. One more thing, I made a small change to Susan and Abby's conversation on the El in the previous chapter. I had to check my dates with Abby's pregnancy. Just for clarification- she's about three months pregnant by the time Luka comes back. :_

_Just want to say thanks to my reviewers: MauraFan228, LubyForeverx711, Strizzy, and x-xTwisted Nightmarex-x. And, as always, thanks to Jenny and Ella for all their fantastic help._


	11. Chapter 10

**Chapter Ten**

It was nearly two by the time Abby woke up. She found herself resting against Luka's bare chest, one of his arms holding her close.

"Morning, sleepy head." He greeted her. She suppressed a yawn, which made Luka grin.

"Hey." She replied, not quite awake, "How long have you been up?"

"Not long. Got anything planned for today?"

"Just work at ten tonight. You?"

"I need to unpack and do laundry, but that can wait. I was hoping we could go out today, well, with what's left of today."

"Mhmm, and what did you have in mind?" Suddenly Abby's stomach growled, rather loudly in fact. Luka laughed as she turned a pretty shade of pink.

"I think taking you out for food would be an excellent idea. If I don't feed you, your stomach might just eat Chicago." He said, still chuckling. She whacked his chest.

"Shut up." Abby found herself rolled over so that Luka was above her, leaning on his forearms.

"You want me to shut up?" He asked in mock hurt.

"Yes." She whispered, wrapping her arms around his neck and pulling him closer. "Just like this." Her lips met his, and he could feel her smiling. He ran his tongue along her bottom lip and she opened her mouth, granting him entrance to explore. He stripped of the night shirt she wore with practiced precision, his lips finding their way to her collarbone. She ran her hands all along his back, her legs sliding against his. He worked down, pausing to leave a tender kiss on her stomach. More clothes found their way to the floor in the ensuing moments.

"Are we going to make it out of bed today?" Abby asked Luka a while later.

"That depends." He answered cheekily, reaching for another kiss. She blocked him.

"I'm hungry."

"So am I." She rolled her eyes.

"Food hungry." With a sigh Luka sat up.

"I did say I'd take you out. What are you in the mood for- Italian?" She wrinkled her nose in protest. "Or not. There's that Vietnamese place up the street from you. How about that?"

"Sounds good." She said with a shrug. "Umm… we should probably stop at my place on the way. I don't have anything here."

Within thirty minutes, they were sitting down to dinner. As they ate the two talked about several subjects- his trip, her progress with AA, and the baby.

"How far along are you?" Luka asked in between bites.

"About three months, as far as I can tell. I haven't actually seen an OB yet, but I did make an appointment for tomorrow." At the time, she wasn't sure whether it was for an abortion or for prenatal care, but she wasn't about to tell him that.

"Do you want me to come with you?"

"No. I'll be fine on my own." She checked her watch. Eight. She had a couple more hours.

"All right, if you're sure."

"I am. I'll let you know what she says. When are you coming back to work, Luka?" She asked, changing the subject. He shrugged.

"Weaver told me to call her when I wanted to be put back on the schedule."

"You'll need a little time to adjust."

"Yeah, I was thinking of taking a week." She nodded, understanding. The waitress came and cleared thier plates. Luka ordered a coffee. Abby was insanely jealous, she loved the beverage dearly but she knew she had to give it up- for the most part. She closed her eyes, taking a deep breath when his coffee arrived. She immediately regretted it as a wave of nausea hit her.

"Excuse me." Abby said, a hand over her mouth as she rushed to the bathroom. Luka, about to take a sip, set it down and followed her.

"Abby, are you okay?" He asked, knuckles gently knocking against the door. The sound of someone retching was his only response. He entered the bathroom to find Abby bent over the toilet. Luka grabbed a sheet of paper towel and handed it to her as she finished vomiting.

"Well that was a waste of money. Sorry." She apologized as they walked out of the restaurant.

"It's alright, let's just get you back to your place." Abby took a moment to look around her. The city was stunning, its lights spread across a dark velvet sky. Abby took it all in. She loved Chicago- it was an amazing place to live. "Think you'll be okay in time for your shift, or do I need to call Weaver." Luka asked, bringing her back to the conversation. She shook her head.

"I'm not nauseous anymore. It was just your coffee, I think." He laughed, opening the car door for her.

"Of all the things…"

"How ironic, I know." She replied with a sigh. There was a comfortable silence the rest of the way to her apartment.

"So... I'll see you tomorrow?"

"As long as it's in the afternoon." He loved hearing the laughter in her voice. "Thanks, Luka." She said, kissing his cheek.

"No problem."

"Night."

"Night." She closed the door. _What a day, _she thought.

He stood there for a moment, lost in thought. He ran a hand through his hair, not quite believing all that had happened in the last 24 hours. It was simply… mind- blowing. _I have a family again._


	12. Chapter 11

**Chapter Eleven **

Luka felt weird strolling into the E.R. again after his time away. It hadn't changed much at all. Things for him had completely transformed since he'd come back. Abby. A baby. He spotted Abby rushing from patient to patient as he headed to the doctors' lounge. She was due in late December; he liked the idea of a Christmas baby. The thought made him smile. He was shrugging on a lab coat when she walked in. A pair of arms slid around his waist.

"Hi."

"Hey. How's my favorite nurse?" He asked, turning around to face her.

"Good." She responded, kissing him softly.

"Morning sickness?" He murmured. Abby shrugged in his arms.

"Eh, not too bad, all things considered." She was still warming up to the idea, of being a mom.

_"I'm scared shitless sometimes, when I think about it. I have the potential to screw this kid's life up." She confessed to him. It was the morning following her appointment with Cobourn and they were in bed, talking. _

_"You won't." He assured her, rubbing a hand against her thigh._

_"How do you know? You don't, no one does." She looked up at him, uncertainty and distress clouding her eyes._

_"That's life, Abby. You'll do fine; you just need to have a little faith in yourself."_

_"That approach… hasn't gotten me very far in recent history."_

_"Just trust me on this one." She smiled, the expression in her eyes changing to something akin to… hope._

_"I do." _

"It'll be over soon."

"Not soon enough." Luka chuckled, releasing her from his hold.

"Secretly I think you enjoy it all." It was her turn to laugh, albeit sarcastically.

"I don't enjoy seeing my food again- especially apples. They come up like really chunky applesauce." Abby made face.

"I really didn't want to know that." Luka grimaced.

"I'm serious. The big bits get stuck too."

"That's more than a little revolting." She shrugged.

"You asked."

"I know. I'll remember not to next time." She grinned.

"Ready for your first shift back?"

"Not really." She grabbed his hand, tugging him towards the door.

"Come on, it won't be that bad." He raised his eyebrows skeptically. "Oh, and by the way, everyone knows." Abby said as they emerged from the lounge.

"They _know_?" He whispered behind her. She turned around, nodding slightly and dropping his hand.

"Not my fault. I blame Susan… and Jerry. Anyway, I've got patients to attend to. See you later." _Great_, he thought sarcastically. Everyone knew about their relationship and the baby. He glanced around, observing the knowing looks on the faces of the hospital workers. _Just great._ He hated the grapevine knowing what was going on in his personal life. The fact that they probably knew before he did annoyed him even further.

He could feel the beginnings of a headache already working its way up his neck. With a sigh he started working up his first patient.

The day went by amazingly fast. It was nothing special really; a few traumas, not very busy at all. He was still glad to be home. Luka felt incredibly drained. He opened the door to his apartment. It felt stuffy inside, the heat suddenly too much for him. The headache he'd been struggling with all day intensified as he found himself losing his food. Not that he'd eaten much at all in the last few days.

Abby found him collapsed on his bed a few hours later. She could tell something was wrong just by looking at him. He was strangely pale under his tanned skin. She put a hand to his forehead, immediately pulling away. He was burning up. She was alarmed when she checked his pulse.

"Luka." She called softly, resting a hand on his shoulder. He shook her off, mumbling incoherently in Croatian. "Luka." This time his eyes opened a little.

"Hmm?"

"I need to get you to the hospital. You have a very high fever." She helped him to sit up. Things were a bit fuzzy for Luka. He wasn't even really sure what was going on. He just wanted to sleep. "Do you have a headache?"

"Yeah." He replied groggily as she led him from the apartment.

"Vomiting?" He nodded. "Wonderful. It sounds like the flu. I'm taking you to County so we can be sure, okay?" She said, helping him into the car. He just put his head back, closing his eyes in response. She raced to County, every now and than an expletive escaping her lips.


	13. Chapter 12

**Chapter Twelve **

Abby entered the ER, struggling to support Luka's large frame with her own, much smaller one.

"Frank! I need a bed." Jerry rushed from behind the desk to take Luka. Abby gratefully relinquished her hold on Luka. "Thanks, Jerry." 

"Exam Two is open." Frank told her, evidently confused. She followed behind Jerry as Greg Pratt came over, fresh chart in hand.

"Kovac isn't looking too hot, what's the problem?"

"I found him out cold on his bed. He was difficult to wake and once awake not very lucid. He has a fever, heart rate's abnormally fast, and he's been vomiting." They arrived at the exam room. Haleh was already at work, changing a barely conscious Luka into a hospital gown.

"He just got back from Africa, right?" Pratt asked as Abby instinctively gloved up and started an IV.

"A week ago." Pratt removed his stethoscope and began examining Luka.

"Temp's 102." Haleh announced. Abby looked over at Luka, who was out again. The hospital staff worked around her, but she didn't notice. Her eyes were on Luka. She brushed back his hair with a hand, and then gently wiped away tiny beads of sweat from his face. He was so deathly pale, and that scared her. She stroked his arm, almost as if touching him would make everything okay.

"Abby, why don't you sit down." Chuny suggested, pushing a chair over to where she stood. Abby complied, arms wrapped around her middle. She closed her eyes. _Please just let him be okay. _

"Don't worry, honey," Haleh said, almost as if reading her thoughts. She laid a comforting hand on Abby's shoulder. "We'll find out what's wrong with him."

Abby looked up at the older woman, attempting a shaky smile. "I hope so." She whispered. There was nothing else to do but wait. So she waited, all the while holding on to Luka's warm, limp hand. One by one the nurses and doctors left, until it was just the two of them. Slowly the quiet of the hospital room lulled Abby to sleep.

Suddenly, her eyes shot open as Luka's heart monitor shrilled in warning. She stood up, alarmed but not knowing what to do. Carter and Haleh rushed in with Pratt and Chuny following.

"He's in V-tach." Haleh announced.

"Alright, let's get him to Trauma One." When Abby arrived at the trauma room, Carter was already intubating. Everyone looked up as the monitors took on a different sound. 

"Asystole." One of the nurses, she didn't bother with who, informed the busy doctors. Her vision swam as tears formed in her eyes.

"Starting compressions." Pratt announced.

"This can't be happening." Abby said, but no one heard her. Carter glanced at Abby and then exchanged concerned looks with Haleh.

"Haleh, take Abby to the lounge." 

She threw off the hand Haleh placed on her arm. "No! I'm staying with him!"

"Paddles." Carter requested. "Charge 150. Clear!" Pratt stood back. The tears spilled over onto her cheeks as she watched Luka's body jolt with the shock. No change. Pratt resumed compressions. "You aren't staying, Abby. You shouldn't even be in here."

"I'm not leaving him!" She cried, desperately trying to make them understand.

"Think of your baby. You're getting hysterical and you need to calm down." Abby gave in at that small reminder and allowed Haleh to lead her out of the room.

"I'm not going to make you wait in the lounge, you can stay here." Haleh said, once they were through the double doors.

"Thank you." The other nurse nodded with compassionate eyes before walking back into the room.

She watched as they shocked him again and again. His body was maxed out on every drug. Still, they kept going. On some level she knew it was solely for her benefit. All too soon, it was over. She saw the change in Carter's face as he put the paddles back, and in Pratt's as he stood back for the final time. She couldn't bear to look as Carter snapped off his gloves, calling time of death. She did see them cover Luka with a sheet, each face etched with sadness. And then she was sobbing, loud, harsh sobs raw with emotion.

"I'm sorry, Abby, but he's gone." Carter said, telling her what she already knew yet didn't want to believe. She slid down the wall to the floor, hands covering her face. Someone was shaking her shoulder.

"Abby. Wake up, Abby." She opened her eyes. Chuny was looking at her, concerned. "You okay?"

"Yeah, I'm fine." She replied, standing up. Abby glanced around the room, relieved to find everything as it had been when she drifted off. Luka was still alive. He was sleeping, chest rising and falling rhythmically. "Are his labs back yet?"

"Yup. It's malaria, _P. falciparum_." 

"The more severe strain."

Chuny nodded. "It might take a while, but he'll be okay. We caught it early." She held up a tray. "I'm bringing the meds right now."

"Wonderful." Dr. Chen came in. "So how bad is it?" Abby directed her question at the other woman.

"We're going to have to keep him in the hospital for a while. As you know, the strain he has is very dangerous. We need to monitor him for complications up in the ICU, at least until the worst has passed."

"Thank you, Dr. Chen."

"Just doing my job. Listen, why don't you go home and rest for a bit. We've got it covered here."

Abby shook her head. "I'd rather stay with him, if that's okay." Chen shrugged.

"Fine by me. They're going to be moving him soon. I'll make sure there's a cot up there for you."

"That would be wonderful. Thanks again."

"No problem." She turned to leave, but stopped. "He'll pull through this, Abby. He's been through too much to let this take him now." Chen gave a smile, meant to encourage her, but there was a flicker of doubt in the doctor's eyes. The door shut behind Chen as she left.

It wasn't too long before Abby was stretched out on a cot in ICU, preparing herself for a night of fitful sleeping. The only sound in the private room was Luka's breathing and the blipping of the various machines he was attached to. Her tired body battled with her restless mind for control before she finally fell asleep.

_A/N: Had you fooled now, didn't I? I would never kill Luka off! Story's coming to a close, still one more chapter left. Let me know what you think and, as always, enjoy! Thanks to everyone who reviewed: Homogentistic Acid, xEllax, x-xTwistedNightmarex-x, Strizzy, and lubyforeverx711._


	14. Chapter 13

**Chapter Thirteen**

He slept through the majority of those first three days with brief periods of consciousness. He wasn't really there though- he was home in Croatia. Out of all the Croatian Luka spoke in that period, she only understood three words:

Jasna. Marko. Danijela.

It amazed her how those three words had the ability to make her doubt everything they'd endured. To make her doubt that he'd left behind his ghosts. That she had finally shaken off her demons.

It was a scary place for her- watching him to fight for his life as she fought for her life with _him._ It was so far removed from anything she'd gone through with Maggie. She hadn't chosen Maggie, but loved her mother nonetheless. In a sense, she hadn't picked him either- he'd found her. Found her and gave her no other option _but_ to love him. Because she did… love him. Even now as she was torn apart by jealousy over his dead wife. Right now, though it was painful and lonely, she loved him.

And that's why she sat here, watching him sleep and dream about another, often forgetting to eat and sleep herself. For love.

Abby carried on with work. It was the only way she could stop thinking about Luka. Stop worrying about him not getting better. Working in the ER forced you to focus on the task at hand. It was the only way to cope down there. But she was here now, in front of his hospital room. Luka was awake and asking for her. She pushed past the demons and ghosts as she opened the door and stepped inside.

Luka was lying in bed, staring out the window, when she walked in. He turned at the sound of her footsteps.

"Hey." He smiled at her weakly.

"Hey yourself. How're you feeling?"

He took her hand, forcing her to sit down. "Pretty shitty at the moment."

"Your doctor seems happy with the progress you've made. Did he talk to you yet and explain what happened?"

"He says I'm still looking at another week in here, and that's if I'm lucky."

"At least you're still alive." Abby said softly, dropping his hand as she stood to her feet. She picked up his chart from the end of the bed. "Your parasitic count has decreased. No sign of resistance to the drugs. And your fever's broken." She placed the chart on the end of his bed. It was too much for her. She turned her back to him. "I thought… I was going to lose you." Silent tears fell from her eyes.

"Abby... come here." He made room for her on the bed and took her into his arms. He could feel her tears seeping through the thin hospital gown. The fever had sapped his strength, but he was more than willing to use whatever he had left to comfort her." Its okay, I'm still here. You aren't getting rid of me that easily." It was a poor attempt to make her laugh, but it worked.

"Sorry, I'm being silly."

"No, not silly, honest. I really worried you didn't I?" He kissed her hair. "I'm sorry, Abby."

"It's not like you can help acquiring a potentially deadly strain of malaria."

"Still."

"Shh… not another word about it."

"Yes, ma'am." He said teasingly, but she could hear the growing fatigue behind his words.

"I'm wearing you out. I should go." She made a move to leave, but he tightened his arms around her.

"No, stay."

"You need your rest more than you need me." She argued.

"I beg to differ." He returned seriously. She laughed at his words, flattered, but not giving in just yet.

"I have a shift to get back to."

"I'm sure they won't mind if you're a little late." She sighed, exasperated.

"If I show you something, will you let me leave?"

"Depends on what it is."

"You'll like it, I promise." He released her reluctantly.

"Fine." She left, returning a few minutes later with a fetal heart monitor. She arranged her clothes, moving the machine around for a few minutes. Finally, the two listened in awe as the sound of their child's heartbeat filled the room. They shared a smile. The look on his face told her that this- their relationship, the baby- was for real. The others were gone.

"I'd better go." He was fading on her. She turned the machine off and stood up.

"Thank you, Abby." He said, fingers brushing her stomach. She kissed him softly.

"Your welcome." He was sound asleep when Abby slipped out of the room.

xxxxxxx

It took Luka nearly a month to recover; his progress was, at times, painfully slow. Abby was just glad to have him back and mostly healthy.

"I dreamed about them… while I was sick." He told her his first night home. She didn't say anything, just waited for him to continue. "I said goodbye to them, Abby. For good. It's just us now, no ghosts." Her eyes met his, the emotion in them intense.

"I know."

"I love you, and only you."

She smiled into the darkness, kissing him. "Trust me, the feeling's mutual."

_A/N: And that, my friends, is the end. A bit of a weird way to end it, I know. I just didn't want this to drag out for too long. I now have three completed non one-shots under my belt. Yay!! I hope you enjoyed reading this story as much as I enjoyed writing it. And thanks to everyone who reviewed: MauraFan228, Lubyforeverx711, Smile90, x-xTwistedNightmarex-x, and Strizzy. And to everyone who's reviewed the story. Thanks so much! _


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